Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
