the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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