I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Randomize
