I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
