i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I cannot find my penis.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
