also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
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Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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