it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
