the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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