I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
