I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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