drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
The air taste purple.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
