Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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