All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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