I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
That was before I lit my hair on fire
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
