I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
