You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
