I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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