He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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