I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
