I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
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