I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
