It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
