Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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