never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
