My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
