I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
