Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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