Swine flu. Run for my life!
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
