Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
