we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
