I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
