If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
