I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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