Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
