...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
