I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
