I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
