My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
