woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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