whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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