everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
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He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
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You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
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