nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
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