how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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