i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
