he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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