im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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