i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
