Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
