1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Sober January is a disaster.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
