took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
