rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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