Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
