Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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