I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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