Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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