I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
